I'm fortunate to have learned so much from my father, and very grateful. That said, and since I don't believe he reads my blog pages, I want to focus here on one lesson I could have done without--the prohibition on reviewing life to locate and process wrong decisions. "Wouldah, Shouldah, Couldah," he has often told me, which I've taken to mean, "Don't waste time examining the errors of the past." There's something to be said for that point of view. But something more to be said of an occasional, rational, and purposeful review of mistakes made--a kind of "autopsy" of decisions that went "dead."
Especially useful is the Social Autopsy, which is merely an examination of the why behind social encounters or relationships which didn't go as we would have liked. I suppose I can't get away from sharing this concept without confessing a failed social encounter of my own. When we were new to our current neighborhood so were all of our neighbors. We were all the first residents in newly built homes. That's a terrific social context because no clicks have formed and everybody seems eager to make everybody's acquaintance. So my wife and I tried to take full advantage of this rare opportunity.
So far, so good. We joined in with all the cul-de-sac barbeques and made a point of saying hello to all the dog walkers. My wife delivered apple pies to neighbors just moving in, and we looked for opportunities to lend a helping hand wherever we could. It worked. Of course it did. Except for one bone-headed move on my part. A couple down the street invited me in for coffee one morning. Looking for clues to good conversation starters, I noticed a framed diploma in a place of honor at the entrance. Now this was an enormous frame. Really. Imagine a diploma framed about as ostentatiously as one can be.
So I thought to myself, this is a family which deeply values some member's academic achievement, and that I can relate to. So that's where I'm going to steer the conversation, which I did. Without being asked, I launched into an anecdote from graduate school (don't remember what; doesn't matter). But that went nowhere. They listened politely without picking up the thread. So I doubled down. I think I tripled down. But nothing was developing on the other end, which I had been certain would happen, because here was a couple which had very plainly indicated to anyone visiting that somebody's degree was very special to them.
I didn't ask the social wonder questions which would have pretty reliably assured me of learning where their real thoughts and feelings lay ("social wonder" is jargon for questions beginning with who, what, when, where, why, how, and which). I just very cleverly inferred their interests from a single decoration in the foyer (the jargon for that is a "smart guess," and I was sure I was being pretty smart). I didn't take a cue from their weak and disinterested responses. I just held forth about my academic background, and began to feel that somehow I was making an ass of myself. But how? I was puzzled.
At some juncture it was plainly time to exit and put an end to what was becoming an uncomfortable social encounter, which I did. And on the way out I took a quick glance at the diploma. It was a proudly displayed Associate's Degree from a local community college. Here was a family where somebody had achieved what I now infer was the very first foray into higher education ever. They were proud of that. And I expect they should have been. But discussion of somebody's post doctoral second Masters was having the effect of diminishing that accomplishment. Most unfortunate. And entirely avoidable.
I don't think I need to tell you that this family never sought me out after that. I've learned from neighbors that they're a delightful couple. We have things in common, and could potentially have become friends. And that's where the autopsy begins. Plainly this was social encounter which died a quick death. Why, and what can I do to avoid having that happen in future. The lessons here were pretty simple, and the insight came very quickly. Ordinarily a social autopsy is only performed when the death is a mystery. I could have offered a more complex example. I didn't choose to. Failure can be embarrassing.
I can do that in another post...maybe. My point here is merely that reflection on past failure, including social behavior as discussed above, can be useful. It can serve as a guide for future behavior. This isn't about finding ways to feel badly about ourselves. It's intended as a productive exercise, designed to make us more effective people. Wouldah? Couldah? Shouldah? Excellent questions, when applied sparingly and with a clear purpose. Reflection doesn't come naturally, I think. Most of the kids I work with do very little of it, if any. One characteristic of an effective person, and especially a parent is to model reflection.
After all, correction may lead to temporarily improved behavior (from time to time), but self-reflection can lead to genuine personal insight, and there the behavioral change is self-imposed and probably lasting.
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